Alright. Not long ago, Fox ran a Family Guy Live special. It started Seth MacFarlane and Alex Borstein. At some point they talked about failed TV pilots that Fox never picked. It was all an obvious joke and a rather funny one. Here is the clip.
I watched this with my girlfriend and when it was over, I said I was determined to break it down and make sense of each line. They may all seem like contradictions, but if really dissected, sense can be found where normally there is none!
There was a man who shot the man who was a man who shot the man: Cal Johnson.
This is actually easy to figure out. There was a man. Let us assume this first man is Cal Johnson. This man shot a man who in turn shot a man who shot him. So basically, Cal Johnson was in a shooting duel with another guy and they both shot each other. Makes sense to me. If it just confuses you then oh well.
He wore a hat, his favorite hat, he loved that hat, he hated hats: Cal Johnson.
OK. This is a little more complicated, and open to interpretation. I chose to interpret it as the hat he wore had a sentimental value to him. He wore the hat, his favorite hat, he loved that hat. Perhaps given to him by someone he cared for. And perhaps overall, he hated hat, but this particular one who loved because of what it meant to him on a personal level.
It’s not that big of a stretch when you think about it. We’ve all been there, haven’t we? Normally we tend to hate or dislike something with the exception of one thing in that group. Happens all the time. So why not with Cal Johnson and his hat? Are you saying he can’t have a personal memento left to him? Maybe someone he loved died! You’re saying he can’t have that?! You heartless fucker!
That’s my answer and I’m sticking to it…
He was a dad to zero kids and yet he fathered five.
This is easy. He fathered five kids, but was a dad to zero of them. Let’s assume he got five different women pregnant. Each gave birth. So that would be him fathering five kids. But was he a dad to any of them? Probably not. He gets the women pregnant then takes off. So he’s a dead beat, but at least there is sense to be made from it!
He got shot dead a year ago and yet he’s still alive.
OK. This might be easiest one. People can be declared dead then brought back to life. I understand it’s western setting, but it can still happen, dammit! Someone shot him, perhaps one of those women he knocked up. Can’t blame them. But unfortunately, Cal Johnson, though he technically died, was resuscitated and is still alive.
He’s rich beyond his wildest dreams yet never had a dime.
Oh come on. Do I really need to explain this? Rich beyond one’s wildest dreams is completely relative. Riding that horse, wearing that hat, and having sex with women he never sees again is exactly how he feels rich. Granted, getting shot isn’t so special, but hey, the man cheated death! So he’s technically broke on his ass. Who cares?! It’s a pretty sweet hat too.
A lawman to the very end, he led a life of crime.
He’s a lawman who doesn’t play by the rules. No wonder it’s a pilot that never got picked up. That’s a show that already exists 50 times over. He does illegal things to get the job done.
And yes, I know it wasn’t really a pilot. Didn’t I explain that already? Piss off!
In all his years of life on Earth, he never fired a gun. Yet when it came to Chinese men, he shot down everyone.
AHA! There are other things a person can shoot other than a gun. Like a bow and arrow. So NYAH!!!
He had a horse named Bandit, and the horse’s name was Clyde.
Well yeah. He HAD a horse named Bandit. And the horse (as in the horse we are seeing in the video) is named Clyde. What’s so complicated about that? Jeez, people. No wonder you need this break down. And yes, you do need it. If you’re still reading up to this point, you must really be lost. Or confused. Or bored. Or you’re just giving me the benefit of the doubt, but are all set and ready to rip me a new one with a comment. WELL I FUCKING DARE YOU! I’M NOT SCARED OF YOUR COMMENTS! I LAUGH AT YOUR POINTLESS WORDS OF WORDINESS!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh umm…sorry. Where did that come from? Moving on.
Cal Johnson was born the day he died.
You’ve got two options here. He either died on his birthday (not the actual particular day he was born) OR he had an awakening of sorts. A rebirth, an eye opening moment, a zen like moment, experienced nirvana, so on and so forth. Maybe he realized that his traveling around on a horse (named Clyde of all things) wearing a hat that he otherwise would hate, sleeping with women he barely knows and abandoning his kids has all been terrible. Maybe he saw the light. And then….mother fucker gets killed. Well that sucks.
SO THERE! Agree or not, it still adds up. It is at least seems plausible! WAAAAAAA-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
