After about a month of having it roll around in my head, talking with a few people about it, and finally coming to a conclusion, it ends. Titans of Honor has officially ended and on June 21st will come to a close.
This all started back for me right at the beginning. That whole “what the hell am I doing?” feeling. It’s in the back of everyone’s mind who starts an online gaming clan I think. That need to just jump ship and get the fuck out. For some people they go with that feeling and just leave. Others, like me, end up sticking it out and making changes. It’s a thought that has come and gone for me over the last 2+ years, but has never lingered for more than a day. This time it lingered for a week.
It really hit me after I had set up a match with another clan and the motivation to get a team together for the match just wasn’t there. I didn’t give a shit. Then our own clan members only match was coming up and half the people who signed up didn’t show. Then with the few who did show, we decided t have a random, goofy, mess around match. Of course, one guy felt it necessary to still play seriously and basically be a jerk about it. Everyone was goofing around, he was getting pissy if his team lost. I mean come on now. It was a total throw away and he had to be like that? Talk about awkward.
But don’t misunderstand. That one incident was not the sole factor here. It was more like the straw that broke the camel’s back. Just a minor thing that on any other day would have just rolled right by. But taking into account all that had ever gone on, I just realized I no longer had that fire. That need. That care to keep thing going. To keep myself going. I thought it was time to close shop.
I first spoke with Enzio about it. My friend, my buddy, the only guy other than me who has been there the entire time since day one. We went through a lot together and I plan to keep things going with him. So we broke it, expressed a mutual interest in wanting to just be guys who played games together and not clan leaders. And pretty much right there and then, Titans of Honor had come to an end.
I later got a few words of encouragement from Storm. He knows how to see things from a step back. And his advice helped. Even after my mind had been made up, it still helped.
Then Locutus was informed. If you were to tell me a year ago that I would be friends with this guy, and I mean friends, I would have laughed in your face. But sure enough, he’s become a good one. He had a lot of differences in the past and I think that was a matter of my own ego, probably his too, but also just a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding that piled up until it exploded like a nuke. After the mushroom cloud died down, we’ve become close. Amazing how that works isn’t it?
Draco was next. She tried to find ways to come to a solution that would allow ToH to keep going. Each idea she offered was one I had already gone over in my head. It wasn’t about trying to find ways to keep a clan up. It was about letting go and finally just being ourselves. Not about letting someone else take over, but rather just be me. Even if someone else did take over, I would not have still been a member. I wanted to just be me. Plus Enzio and I felt it only right to close that which we started. If others wanted to keep it going then they can start their own clan.
The next day we announced it. Make it public and have gone around letting people know. So far, most everyone understands. A few people have expressed how upset they are, but nothing major. Others have disagreed with some of the things we plan to do, but the choice is not up to them. They were members of our creation. It can only be our decision on what to do with it. And so we’ve made that decision.
So o June 21st, the Titans of Honor web site will be taken offline and closed for good. I can’t wait. I feel so excited. Already am to know I can just go out there and do whatever I want to do. To finally play some games as Kayle and not as clan leader guy who always has to show the right attitude. I know others would tell me I could always do it, but in my own mind I couldn’t. But I just want to get to that day where I just freak out and tell someone to fuck off and then some. I never felt I could do that before because it wouldn’t be the right example. Now I won’t have to give a shit. The example is of me and me alone now.
So no one is safe. I am a man without a clan. No tag to hold me back. No rules or codes or anything to slow me down. RUN! RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
