The Mind Gone Mad

I’m not entirely sure why I write. I enjoy it, I know that. But why? Why do I feel the need to write? To choose my words carefully. To keep a journal. To scribble notes to myself that pertain to nothing. To come up with characters that I am always reworking. What is the point and why do I do it?

I could probably give a half dozen reasons for all of those, and could bullshit my way through some psychological crap to back it up. But I go with short version: because I can.

It’s fun to do such things. I really get into. I look at the little things in life I enjoy like certain TV shows or movies and realize it all began with some writer wanting to put his or her ideas to paper for the simple reason that he or she enjoyed it. That’s what I’m doing now. I’m just ranting and bullshitting and gleefully wandering through life typing out whatever I want for whomever is willing to read it just to see how they would react. It’s why I sometimes I just ramble. Why I sometimes write really weird things like talking to my pants. Why I’ll go on and on about baseball or a review a movie or babble on about a video game. Because it’s just plain fun.

It’s the art of creativity. Something I have been attracted to since I was first able to move. I have a vivid imagination. One that runs wild from time to time and can touch down on pretty much any subject or theme. Give me any small, basic premise and I can run with it for weeks or months on end. I can turn a simple idea and come up with a novel. Make a name into an ever changing story about a man who lives forever…

I do it because I love it. And I hope this is the real deal. I’m finally feeling motivated again. Like I can sit down and really work on it. The big one. The story I’ve always wanted to get out there. It’s changed a lot over the years and I believe I am finally happy with what I have in my head. But who knows. May change again. We shall see.

Kayle: You’re proud of yourself. Aren’t you?

Caul: Proud of what? Showing people what you really are? What you’ve always been? What you’ll always be?

Kayle: You took what little humanity I had and ripped it apart. Destroyed all I held true. You’ve done nothing but work against me.

Caul: You brought it all on yourself. If you really had changed, none of this would of happened to you. You would have moved passed it and started anew.

Kayle: Started anew? What about them?! They still matter. Just because I can move on and find new people doesn’t mean I want to. It doesn’t mean I won’t miss the people I was with. No matter what happen, I can never get them back! That’s what you took from me!

Caul: Yes, I did.

Kayle: How did I ever call you friend?

Caul: You were glad to have me.

Kayle: Right. I was. Not anymore. I’ll find a way. I’ll find a way to fix this. You can’t stop me.

Caul: I already have.

Been writing a lot of things for myself recently. Keeping a private journal. That’s right, a journal. Just like Douge Funnie. Only no “Dear Journal” to start each entry. But that’s not important!

What is important is I’m getting more and more satisfaction out of doing things for just myself. I want to sit down and start writing out my ideas, my stories, my sketches, and maybe even film a few of them. If it makes people laugh even for a second then I consider it worth all the time and effort.

I was crazy when I said I might leave this sucker behind. What the fuck was I on?! It’s too much fun to just get back to the simple pleasure of writing for no one in particular. No more agenda behind it all and no more having to explain every other sentence five times over. AHAHAHA!

THIS IS WHAT IT’S LIKE!

It’s a long story that has so many angles and opinions that it seems more like a soap opera than anything else. So really, I no longer find it relevant. I just know that the end result leads me to having a lot more free time and realizing that I have been awful at setting my priorities straight.

I plan to do a lot more with the people I should be doing things with. Want to get together more, go out more, hang around more. Just get a chance to be me and do as I please. The days of waiting around for things to happen are over. No more see you then that goes nowhere. No more crazy pills. No more crazy debates and the same 2 conversations over and over again. No more e-mail tennis. I get to see the sky for a change!

I’m sure that makes sense to absolutely no one since the vast majority of it is stuff that I only say to myself. But it all adds up to one thing: I’m out and I’m happy.

So take care. Be aware. And here we go. Because this is what it’s like.

After about a month of having it roll around in my head, talking with a few people about it, and finally coming to a conclusion, it ends. Titans of Honor has officially ended and on June 21st will come to a close.

This all started back for me right at the beginning. That whole “what the hell am I doing?” feeling. It’s in the back of everyone’s mind who starts an online gaming clan I think. That need to just jump ship and get the fuck out. For some people they go with that feeling and just leave. Others, like me, end up sticking it out and making changes. It’s a thought that has come and gone for me over the last 2+ years, but has never lingered for more than a day. This time it lingered for a week.

It really hit me after I had set up a match with another clan and the motivation to get a team together for the match just wasn’t there. I didn’t give a shit. Then our own clan members only match was coming up and half the people who signed up didn’t show. Then with the few who did show, we decided t have a random, goofy, mess around match. Of course, one guy felt it necessary to still play seriously and basically be a jerk about it. Everyone was goofing around, he was getting pissy if his team lost. I mean come on now. It was a total throw away and he had to be like that? Talk about awkward.

But don’t misunderstand. That one incident was not the sole factor here. It was more like the straw that broke the camel’s back. Just a minor thing that on any other day would have just rolled right by. But taking into account all that had ever gone on, I just realized I no longer had that fire. That need. That care to keep thing going. To keep myself going. I thought it was time to close shop.

I first spoke with Enzio about it. My friend, my buddy, the only guy other than me who has been there the entire time since day one. We went through a lot together and I plan to keep things going with him. So we broke it, expressed a mutual interest in wanting to just be guys who played games together and not clan leaders. And pretty much right there and then, Titans of Honor had come to an end.

I later got a few words of encouragement from Storm. He knows how to see things from a step back. And his advice helped. Even after my mind had been made up, it still helped.

Then Locutus was informed. If you were to tell me a year ago that I would be friends with this guy, and I mean friends, I would have laughed in your face. But sure enough, he’s become a good one. He had a lot of differences in the past and I think that was a matter of my own ego, probably his too, but also just a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding that piled up until it exploded like a nuke. After the mushroom cloud died down, we’ve become close. Amazing how that works isn’t it?

Draco was next. She tried to find ways to come to a solution that would allow ToH to keep going. Each idea she offered was one I had already gone over in my head. It wasn’t about trying to find ways to keep a clan up. It was about letting go and finally just being ourselves. Not about letting someone else take over, but rather just be me. Even if someone else did take over, I would not have still been a member. I wanted to just be me. Plus Enzio and I felt it only right to close that which we started. If others wanted to keep it going then they can start their own clan.

The next day we announced it. Make it public and have gone around letting people know. So far, most everyone understands. A few people have expressed how upset they are, but nothing major. Others have disagreed with some of the things we plan to do, but the choice is not up to them. They were members of our creation. It can only be our decision on what to do with it. And so we’ve made that decision.

So o June 21st, the Titans of Honor web site will be taken offline and closed for good. I can’t wait. I feel so excited. Already am to know I can just go out there and do whatever I want to do. To finally play some games as Kayle and not as clan leader guy who always has to show the right attitude. I know others would tell me I could always do it, but in my own mind I couldn’t. But I just want to get to that day where I just freak out and tell someone to fuck off and then some. I never felt I could do that before because it wouldn’t be the right example. Now I won’t have to give a shit. The example is of me and me alone now.

So no one is safe. I am a man without a clan. No tag to hold me back. No rules or codes or anything to slow me down. RUN! RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!