The Mind Gone Mad

I no longer trust the sky. Think about it. What does everyone say about the sky?

“The sky is blue”

Oh really?! Go look outside right now. What color is the sky? Is it blue? Because I’m looking outside right now and the damn thing is pitch black. Yeah so what if it’s midnight?

Like when you ask someone a question where the answer is obvious they reply with “Is the sky blue?” But it’s not always! Right now it’s black! So no! The sky isn’t always blue! Yet here we are telling ourselves that it’s blue! Why do we keep saying that? And what about cloudy days?! “Ugh look at that gray sky.”

AHA!

GRAY!

That’s not blue! That’s not blue!

How can I trust something that is supposed to be one color when it can clearly change at any time?!

FUCK YOU SKY! You and your bluey bluey blue-ness!

BLUE! AHAHAHAAAAA blue.

There are ninjas roaming around!

They’re after me.

Trying to kill me.

Do you see them?

i See Them!

They’re outside! On the cars! In the Trees! bEhInD the bushes!

They’re wear cloaks and masks and robes and garbs and swing swords and throw shurikens!

NINJAS!

So Saturday night a bunch of us go to Medieval Times, and it was fun of course. Always is. But uh…hmmm.

OK. First, it was a fucking downpour. Fine, the rain itself wasn’t that bad, but the wind was a little nuts, which makes the rain that much more…I dunno…a bitch. Then there was the fact that I had gotten sick on days earlier, was still sick (but in a much better state than even just 24 hours before), and it kinda took a little enjoyment out of things for me, but I still had fun. Third…oy.

THEY LOST POWER HALF WAY THROUGH THE DAMN SHOW!

That by itself is a little funny. It’s “Medieval Times” and when they lost power they didn’t know what the fuck to do. They all just sorta stood there while some repair guys or whoever ran and tried to make things all better. So there we were in a setting quite like a true medieval period aaaaaand….nothing. Irony? It couldn’t be more so.

And fourth, the new story blows! EVERYONE FUCKING DIES!

Here I was a little interested to know what the new story was going to be, and and the knights die and some loser portraying the prince shows up at the end kills the evil (Green) knight. I mean, the final battle was pretty cool and all, especially with the sword in each hand for both combatants, but c’mon.

At the very least, can they move on from the Green Knight being the bad guy? Mix it up? Make the bad guy be someone different each show, like the hero. It’s not like green is a color associated with being a badass anyway. And if you’re gonna have a story with a mark of betrayal (like they always do) make it so one of the trusted knights just turns dick all of a sudden. Instead of saying “Well the Green Knight is from a faraway land and he’s always been a jerk, but we let him compete because we have reached a treaty with his King so we oblige him.” FUCK THAT! It’s no secret who the bad guy is going to be. DUH!

Have like, the knight that is out at the very beginning make a comeback and be the bad guy. That way the people who thought they were out of it from the start can have that extra cheer. They aren’t going to win, but at least they get to see their guy come back one last time just before he gets defeated.

And that is all I have to say about that….

Oh except for, “Dude…what are you doing here?”

The Fire. It’s this new thing I’ve been saying for the past…oh…week or so. And basically, I love myself for coming up with it.

Other people have come up with things similar to it, but I love this version because I am able to visualize it so well and it makes me smile each time.

Put simply, “the fire” is a big place (in my mind it’s the Grand Canyon) that is set on fire and kept going forever because what we use for fuel is not gasoline or anything like that, but rather all the stupid people in the world we no longer need.

Why so big? Because there really are that many stupid people in the world. Plus a great big fire pit that fills the entire Grand Canyon where we can just throw in all the morons that walk throughout life….do you understand why this makes me smile?!

So what do I consider “stupid” and who exactly is a “moron” in my book? Well here is the list. Feel free to comment and add anyone you like:

Who would I want thrown into the fire?

-People who drive with their high beams on while other cars are around

-Drive to slow

-Runs a red light and nearly hits me

-Basically sucks at driving and fails to realize they are in a motorized battering ram that needs to be taken seriously!

-Morons who don’t know how to search for books at a library

-The family that returned to the hospital at least a day after being discharged, requesting free baby bottles (no really….happened)

-Elderly people over the age of 65 who contribute nothing to society other than sitting around, talking weird (I don’t care if grandma is a pleasant person, she just mumbles all day about peas!!!)

-ANYONE who wears a bow tie (yeah I said it!)

-Alan Alda

-Those over the age of 14 and when asked to recite the alphabet, does it as the “alphabet song”

-Those jerks who when you don’t say “God bless you” after they sneeze, they say it to themself and then thanks themself

-A guy who wears pink

-A person who is in anyway, shape, or form involved in the production of ANY “reality TV” show

-Mike Francesa

-Chris Russo too

-People who wear those colored rubber wrist band things (look it was a nice little novelty when Lance Armstrong started doing it, but they’re fucking everywhere now!)

-An arrogant prick who makes a list about who he wants to see thrown into a big fire like he’s something special. What an asshole!

-Chris Carter for making a poor second X-files movie

-People who continue to make new episodes of TV shows long after they clearly jumped the shark

-Pretty much every dumb, moronic, blonde bimbo, teenage girl who tries to make herself look like just another fucking slut and talks with that dumb blonde voice (YOU KNOW THE VOICE I MEAN! WE ALL HATE IT!)

-Dane Cook

-What the hell…Dane Cook again.

-Whoever invented the futon

-People who don’t hold the door open for you

-People who don’t give you the “courtesy wave” for whatever the situation might be

-And anyone else who fails to be polite

-The designer of the Water Temple in Ocarina of Time (that shit was hard!)

-And lastly….Dane Cook a third time!

So that’s what I got off the top of my head. How ’bout you?