The Mind Gone Mad

Literally.

I work today, go to Mountain Creek with my friends tomorrow, but come Wednesday morning, I head to Speculator and have the place all to myself for three days. No one there to bother me. No rules, no limits, just me and the beach for two nights and three days.

I don’t even care if the weather blows for those three days. Just knowing I can get away from everything for that time….awesome. Plus this will be my first time up there alone. And I’m excited. I’ve always wanted that place to myself and now I get to test drive that dream. Mmmmmm…dreams.

But don’t think I’m trying to run away from you peoples! Show me some love and call me while I’m up there. I don’t want to be too alone. I mean…there’s a bear up there. I saw it too. That’s just fucking scary. So call. Make me feel safe. Give me a verbal hug. It will be nice.

And if you couldn’t tell, it’s about 2:30am right now, and I am quite tired which is why I probably sound a little loopy and floaty. Hehehe…floooooaty.

No really, I am this time!

So I’ve made myself promise after promise about starting up on writing my story again and each time I let myself down. Damn me. Here’s the problem:  whenever I think I have the solution, I get distracted.

First I thought that if I just told myself to do it each Monday then I’d have no problem because I would have that time set aside each and every week when I knew it be time to get some writing done. Then it would be Tuesday evening and I’d realize that I fucked up. Then I wouldn’t want to work on it because I was mad at myself for forgetting.

Second, I figured “Hey work on it during each Yankee game.” Makes sense right? Sit, watch the game with laptop in…uh…lap…and do a little typing in between pitches. Simple. What would happen is I’d sit and watch the game and realize my laptop on the other side of the room and that is just way too far to go and get.

Third, I said “OK just sit and write!” So I did. After about a paragraph I’d have a break in thought for how I’d want to word something and get distracted with the magic of the internet. I envy the attention span that flies have…..

So I finally figured out what I can do. When I’m at work, and I take a break or calls aren’t coming in, I’ll just sit in on of the few dozen break rooms and just sit and write on a legal pad. I went and bought some this afternoon and I plan to bring one with me tomorrow. I’m sure tomorrow will be busy since it’s the middle of the week, but even the busiest of days have slow points.

I think this is a good idea. Because on the days when little goes on, I can only go to the Mark Messier Skyway and watch his Lays chips commercials so many times. Not even joking that the hospital has that….

Yesterday was my first real day on my own at work. OK, that isn’t true. Wednesday was, but it was the day shift and I’m going to be working evenings from here on out so I kinda don’t count it because the two shifts are quite different from each other.

So how did it go? After two weeks of training, learning the hospital grounds, walking miles back and forth each day (yes, literally miles a day), and now it’s finally me out there all my me lonesome. How did it fucking go?! Eight hours…6 calls. A normal day is about 25-30 calls. I got 6. There was a lot of standing around and doing nothing for me. I walked back and forth a lot. Mostly because I could, but also becauseI wanted to see how different the hospital appeared on a Saturday night. It was quiet. In an almost creepy way.

Hospitals are creepy as they are. Now imagine it’s night time, the halls are empty, and you just here the beeping of machines down the hall way. Eeeeeeuggh. And can you believe that working the weekends and/or evenings gives you a pay increase than from just working the day shift? I’m doing significantly less work and I’m getting more than the guy who works his ass off during the day. Hehehehehehe….

And I get to do it all over again tonight! Whee!

I’ve been debating on whether or not I should post this because it might leave some people a bit upset/concerned/whatever. Fuck it….

It’s been a year. One year. That’s one year without talking to him. One year without hearing his voice. One year without seeing the red hooded sweatshirt. One year without just hanging around doing nothing. This past year has been a mind fuck. Simple as that. It hasn’t been easy and I don’t want to discuss it. I’m just going to say what I want then move on.

I’ve had trouble sleeping, haven’t gone a day without thinking about him, have put on that strong face with a smile for everyone, but at the end of the day when I’m alone, what I’m really feeling comes out. I was at work the other day and I had to let my supervisor know that I could not be in today because I was originally scheduled. I told her that there was a memorial service that I had to be at. The guy training me over heard this and asked who the service was for. I don’t blame him. Natural curiosity. I gave him a short answer: a friend of mine who died a year ago. That’s when I got a little fucked up for the rest of the day.

He and I went two different ways in the hospital a few minutes after that for two different calls. I was in the elevator alone with my thoughts and John was pretty much my only thought. Next thing I know I let out a punch on the elevator wall. I didn’t even think about it. It wasn’t like “I’m mad, hit that wall!” It just came out of nowhere and I did it. Did I feel better? No. That’s kind of the point. A year later, I’m still not better. And I’m sure no one wants to hear that, but there it is. I’m trying to face this as best I can and part of that is finally coming clean about things. I’ve kept it in from everyone for a while now and thats what has been bothering me the most. I hate keeping things from people. I always try to be as open and honest with my feelings as I can. So there. I’m done.

I’m not making any more predictions. Every time I do things end up turning around. I’m just gonna say that it seems very unlikely the Yankees will make a push for the playoffs this season because they are too complacent. So rather than say what I would like to see this season, I am instead going to play general manager and say what I think should be done for next season.

New Manager:
Joe Torre, thank you for a great decade and leading the modern day dynasty, but your time is up. You came into a team filled with blue collar, grind it out players and managed with a laid back approach knowing how to handle all the personalities and I commend you for it. Today you have a team of too many professionals and you just don’t know how to motivate them. It is time for a changing of the guard.

There needs to be an opposite personality as well as someone who manages the game different. Torre waits things out and just lets the hitters do their thing. There needs to be the type of manager who knows when its time to play small ball and scratch out a run. A guy who recognizes when its time for a squeeze bunt and a hit and run. I honestly don’t know who that would be. Don Mattingly? I think he would be too much like Torre. Joe Girardi would probably be bette.

Younger Pitching:
Roger Clemens, it is time for you to retire. Don’t come back again. Just hang ‘em up and get into the Hall of Fame already. Phil Hughes and Wang can lead the pack next season as the two young aces while Mussina and Pettitte anchor as the vets. The fifth guy? Don’t know, but it sure as Hell isn’t Kei Igawa. Maybe it’s someone else from the farm system, maybe it’s a free agent. But it is not someone on the team at this moment.

Who Stays?
A-Rod. Whatever it takes. The fact that he’s the best player in baseball, the only reason the team has any chance of doing something meaningful this season, and the only right handed power hitter they have is more than enough to say “duh” and not let him get away. Don’t let him opt out. Sit down with him and beg him to stay for the final three years of his contract and offer him at least a three year extension.

Jorge and Rivera. Both are free agents after this season, and the team should not allow either one to hit the market. Doing that would be madness.

Who Goes:
Bobby Abreu.  You suck, Bobby. I never wanted you on the team in the first place because I knew then that you were an aging ball player. I was wrong when you joined the team, but now realize you were just responding to the change in location. Now that you’ve settled in, you suck. Go away.

Roger Clemens. Didn’t I already tell you to retire?! Get out of here before I call the cops, old man! And don’t give me any of that “I’m old and dying,” garbage!

Jason Giambi. If he is with the team next season, I will be punching babies.

Mike Myers. Congratulations. You are a lefty specialist who can’t get out lefties. Sooooo…what good are you?

On the Fence:
Johnny Damon. Get healthy either by the end of this season or in the off season and stay that way. I don’t care what you’re contract is. I’ll send you anywhere and eat the entire contract if I have to. If the lead off hitter can’t lead off then I guess You’re just like Myers aren’t you?

Robinson Cano. Dude, you’re like Soriano all over again. Stop swinging at all the pitches outside the strike zone. Learn to take a few. If not, you would be nice trade bait. I don’t care what your bat was last season. If you can’t learn patience at the plate your past isn’t important.

Who to get:
Ichiro.  Look, I just kicked out Abreu so we got an opening in right field. If Damon can get back to where he was, put Ichiro in right. If Damon can’t, put Ichiro in center and Melky in right. I kinda like that one more.

Don’t have any beyond him since the list of possible free agents the coming off season doesn’t look too appealing elsewhere. Except maybe John Smoltz, but I don’t know how he’d do in the A.L.

That’s it. I’m done!