Getting Older

I’m now 24 years old. Birthday was on the third and here I am now. Mid twenties. Know what? I don’t feel a bit different. Is that good or bad? Or doesn’t it matter? Ah well.

I’m probably one of the few people who likes getting older. Each time my birthday comes around, I get more and more excited. Has nothing to do with the idea of the celebration, the gifts, the going out to dinner, the cards, or the hugs. It’s that I get to experience a whole new age. Something different. Something I’ve yet to explore. I remember when I couldn’t wait to turn 20 just so I could say I was no longer a teenager. That was an age group I wanted out of desperately. Always felt like there was a stigma attached to it and I wanted to get away from it as soon as possible.

Now, I’m not rushing to any age, but I still felt excited at getting older. Adding that next year to the tally. It just….makes me fell good really. Maybe because my birthday falls right in the summer: my favorite time of year. And July being my favorite month too. Right there are the half way point of the year as well. Six months completed and other six to go. Right there, I go up an age. I dunno. I like that.

And now with this new lease of life that I have, I look forward to this new year of mine without the normal strings attached. Just gonna go do whatever I damn well please. Come join me.

The Logic of Reason for Creativity

I’m not entirely sure why I write. I enjoy it, I know that. But why? Why do I feel the need to write? To choose my words carefully. To keep a journal. To scribble notes to myself that pertain to nothing. To come up with characters that I am always reworking. What is the point and why do I do it?

I could probably give a half dozen reasons for all of those, and could bullshit my way through some psychological crap to back it up. But I go with short version: because I can.

It’s fun to do such things. I really get into. I look at the little things in life I enjoy like certain TV shows or movies and realize it all began with some writer wanting to put his or her ideas to paper for the simple reason that he or she enjoyed it. That’s what I’m doing now. I’m just ranting and bullshitting and gleefully wandering through life typing out whatever I want for whomever is willing to read it just to see how they would react. It’s why I sometimes I just ramble. Why I sometimes write really weird things like talking to my pants. Why I’ll go on and on about baseball or a review a movie or babble on about a video game. Because it’s just plain fun.

It’s the art of creativity. Something I have been attracted to since I was first able to move. I have a vivid imagination. One that runs wild from time to time and can touch down on pretty much any subject or theme. Give me any small, basic premise and I can run with it for weeks or months on end. I can turn a simple idea and come up with a novel. Make a name into an ever changing story about a man who lives forever…

I do it because I love it. And I hope this is the real deal. I’m finally feeling motivated again. Like I can sit down and really work on it. The big one. The story I’ve always wanted to get out there. It’s changed a lot over the years and I believe I am finally happy with what I have in my head. But who knows. May change again. We shall see.

The Neverending Battle of Night and Day

Kayle: You’re proud of yourself. Aren’t you?

Caul: Proud of what? Showing people what you really are? What you’ve always been? What you’ll always be?

Kayle: You took what little humanity I had and ripped it apart. Destroyed all I held true. You’ve done nothing but work against me.

Caul: You brought it all on yourself. If you really had changed, none of this would of happened to you. You would have moved passed it and started anew.

Kayle: Started anew? What about them?! They still matter. Just because I can move on and find new people doesn’t mean I want to. It doesn’t mean I won’t miss the people I was with. No matter what happen, I can never get them back! That’s what you took from me!

Caul: Yes, I did.

Kayle: How did I ever call you friend?

Caul: You were glad to have me.

Kayle: Right. I was. Not anymore. I’ll find a way. I’ll find a way to fix this. You can’t stop me.

Caul: I already have.

I think I’m gonna write…

Been writing a lot of things for myself recently. Keeping a private journal. That’s right, a journal. Just like Douge Funnie. Only no “Dear Journal” to start each entry. But that’s not important!

What is important is I’m getting more and more satisfaction out of doing things for just myself. I want to sit down and start writing out my ideas, my stories, my sketches, and maybe even film a few of them. If it makes people laugh even for a second then I consider it worth all the time and effort.

I was crazy when I said I might leave this sucker behind. What the fuck was I on?! It’s too much fun to just get back to the simple pleasure of writing for no one in particular. No more agenda behind it all and no more having to explain every other sentence five times over. AHAHAHA!

THIS IS WHAT IT’S LIKE!

So Many Changes

It’s a long story that has so many angles and opinions that it seems more like a soap opera than anything else. So really, I no longer find it relevant. I just know that the end result leads me to having a lot more free time and realizing that I have been awful at setting my priorities straight.

I plan to do a lot more with the people I should be doing things with. Want to get together more, go out more, hang around more. Just get a chance to be me and do as I please. The days of waiting around for things to happen are over. No more see you then that goes nowhere. No more crazy pills. No more crazy debates and the same 2 conversations over and over again. No more e-mail tennis. I get to see the sky for a change!

I’m sure that makes sense to absolutely no one since the vast majority of it is stuff that I only say to myself. But it all adds up to one thing: I’m out and I’m happy.

So take care. Be aware. And here we go. Because this is what it’s like.

And So It Ends

After about a month of having it roll around in my head, talking with a few people about it, and finally coming to a conclusion, it ends. Titans of Honor has officially ended and on June 21st will come to a close.

This all started back for me right at the beginning. That whole “what the hell am I doing?” feeling. It’s in the back of everyone’s mind who starts an online gaming clan I think. That need to just jump ship and get the fuck out. For some people they go with that feeling and just leave. Others, like me, end up sticking it out and making changes. It’s a thought that has come and gone for me over the last 2+ years, but has never lingered for more than a day. This time it lingered for a week.

It really hit me after I had set up a match with another clan and the motivation to get a team together for the match just wasn’t there. I didn’t give a shit. Then our own clan members only match was coming up and half the people who signed up didn’t show. Then with the few who did show, we decided t have a random, goofy, mess around match. Of course, one guy felt it necessary to still play seriously and basically be a jerk about it. Everyone was goofing around, he was getting pissy if his team lost. I mean come on now. It was a total throw away and he had to be like that? Talk about awkward.

But don’t misunderstand. That one incident was not the sole factor here. It was more like the straw that broke the camel’s back. Just a minor thing that on any other day would have just rolled right by. But taking into account all that had ever gone on, I just realized I no longer had that fire. That need. That care to keep thing going. To keep myself going. I thought it was time to close shop.

I first spoke with Enzio about it. My friend, my buddy, the only guy other than me who has been there the entire time since day one. We went through a lot together and I plan to keep things going with him. So we broke it, expressed a mutual interest in wanting to just be guys who played games together and not clan leaders. And pretty much right there and then, Titans of Honor had come to an end.

I later got a few words of encouragement from Storm. He knows how to see things from a step back. And his advice helped. Even after my mind had been made up, it still helped.

Then Locutus was informed. If you were to tell me a year ago that I would be friends with this guy, and I mean friends, I would have laughed in your face. But sure enough, he’s become a good one. He had a lot of differences in the past and I think that was a matter of my own ego, probably his too, but also just a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding that piled up until it exploded like a nuke. After the mushroom cloud died down, we’ve become close. Amazing how that works isn’t it?

Draco was next. She tried to find ways to come to a solution that would allow ToH to keep going. Each idea she offered was one I had already gone over in my head. It wasn’t about trying to find ways to keep a clan up. It was about letting go and finally just being ourselves. Not about letting someone else take over, but rather just be me. Even if someone else did take over, I would not have still been a member. I wanted to just be me. Plus Enzio and I felt it only right to close that which we started. If others wanted to keep it going then they can start their own clan.

The next day we announced it. Make it public and have gone around letting people know. So far, most everyone understands. A few people have expressed how upset they are, but nothing major. Others have disagreed with some of the things we plan to do, but the choice is not up to them. They were members of our creation. It can only be our decision on what to do with it. And so we’ve made that decision.

So o June 21st, the Titans of Honor web site will be taken offline and closed for good. I can’t wait. I feel so excited. Already am to know I can just go out there and do whatever I want to do. To finally play some games as Kayle and not as clan leader guy who always has to show the right attitude. I know others would tell me I could always do it, but in my own mind I couldn’t. But I just want to get to that day where I just freak out and tell someone to fuck off and then some. I never felt I could do that before because it wouldn’t be the right example. Now I won’t have to give a shit. The example is of me and me alone now.

So no one is safe. I am a man without a clan. No tag to hold me back. No rules or codes or anything to slow me down. RUN! RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Pondering my pondering

History repeats itself. That is a fact. I think only because there are not nearly as many outcomes to life as we think there are. Probably only 10 possibilities in life. But it’s the why things are like that that seems endless. Why does someone want to help others or why does someone want to hurt others? Those are two of those small possibilities and encompass just about all aspects of life. General I know, but that’s how I break it down. Yet the why a person chooses such a path can be a list that goes on forever.

So why do I bring this up? Because I’ve realized over the past month or so how I’ve foolishly repeated history. How so many of us left this online gaming clan known as SFI as a means to escape a horrible, dictator-like leader only to find that when we created something new, I ended up following that exact same dictator path. Fact is fact and that is what happened.

Now I’m in an interesting place. I’ve changed. Most certainly, I have changed. It’s the why I have changed that makes it interesting and it’s something I don’t feel like sharing. Not because I’m embarrassed or anything, but rather because I don’t believe many others want to hear it. Might take it the wrong way. Whatever. I dunno. I don’t care. It’s my reason and I have embraced it. I’m not the same for it and that makes me happy.

So this is just one of many apologies I have been making to people. People I have gamed with and have felt my egotistical wrath.

I now sit here thinking out a new course of action. One that may change things for all of us. For better or worse? Who knows.

Writing Seems…..no

I dunno. Not so interested in keeping up with this thing anymore. It tends to come and go, but right now it’s gone and has not come back in a while. The entry about the Yankees I did just for the hell of it.I do plenty of writing on web forums to keep my desire to write satisfied.

I’m going to contemplate on whether or not to keep this going. I certainly don’t want it to turn into just a place where I review baseball, movies, and TV. That was never my intention. Every time I’ve done it has been filler. I’d feel weird if that’s all this was reduced to for me.

We shall see.

Problems with the Boys in Pinstripes

It’s such a long list that it hurts. But here goes:

-Front Office, Shut Up!

This is a place of too many chiefs and not enough indians. Everyone is trying to say what they think should be done to fix everything. And they all think they have the perfect “cure it right away” remedy. The truth of the matter is that if you want to fix a team like this, it takes time. But no one in that office wants to saying that one word. It is the ultimate taboo. But I will say it: rebuilding.

New stadium, bad economy, yeah yeah yeah. Heard it. But that’s your own damn fault. If this team wants to contend again, it can’t be done with a giant check book and the hottest free agents each off season. They need to redo their scouting (because it sucks) focus in on prime draft choices, rework their minor league coaching, teach the basics and fundamentals of the game, hire a creative manager who doesn’t give a shit about what a player is making (sorry, Girardi, that’s not you, it wasn’t Torre either nor would it be Mattingly), and tell the General Manager that the job is his and he doesn’t have to put up with bullshit. Because I think that has been the real problem. Cashman probably has some solid ideas and most of them get knocked out of the air. Then his plans that needed everything to fall in place have only half of them falling in place and he looks like a moron.

It’s the front office and their meddling. Fuck off you guys. You hired a guy to do a job so let him do his fucking job.

-No Country For Old Men (oh I’m so clever)

Way too many guys who are either past their prime or on the down side of their prime signed to long fucking deals. Damon, Matsui, Sheffield, Posada, Randy Johnson, and A-Rod to name a few in recent history. Expect Jeter to be the next one.

Hey, I like a lot of those guys too. Especially those core players. But the fact is that a guy’s peek comes in his late 20’s. Not his mid 30’s. Or higher! Stop signing guys to insane fucking contracts because you think there is a little more left in the tank and you want them to be happy. Players should not be happy. They should be hungry.

Props I will always give to the Red Sox is their ability to drop a guy when he doesn’t have what they want out of the position (Damon, Pedro, Lowe) and then sign guys to reasonable, incentive laden contracts. Add those incentives to make a guy go out there and work. It’s like Office Space. It doesn’t matter how much extra work he does, he doesn’t get more money for it. But he will with the incentives. That’s the point. If a player thinks that it is an insult, well fuck him! It’s just telling that he really doesn’t want to work for it. If he thinks he can achieve those goals and not get hurt then where is the fucking problem? Props to you, Boston front office. You do well there.

-SCOUT YOU BASTARDS!

I mentioned this once already, but the scouting needs a massive overhaul. I mean really. Jose Contreas, Kei Igawa? Jeez guys. Do you ever know what “talent evaluation” means? It’s not just what a guy is doing against his peers at the time. It’s what he is doing overall. How are his mechanics? What’s his stuff look like by itself? How is his conditioning? Just because a person is good in one place does not mean he is any good in another.

Gene Michael was the best scout the Yankees ever had. Long ago he was pulled from that duty for God knows what reason and they have never been able to replace that natural ability to find natural ability. It’s sad and it’s pathetic.

And don’t go saying Chien-Ming Wang, Robinson Cano, or Joba Chamberlian at me. Wang had 2 good season which he has yet to follow up and he’s now approaching 30, Cano still has not proven he can do it when it counts, and Joba is still on the fence. So none of that means shit. Their position players can’t hit in the minors and they are pretty much out of pitchers.

-Ignore the Hype AND the Critics

It’s New York. I know. Reporters and camera and bloggers. Oh my! Just ignore it, guys. It’s not that big a deal. So the fuck what? Get over it. Is your self esteem that fragile that it affects your ability to play baseball? OK, it is for A-Rod, but the rest of you? Fuck, half of you can barely speak English. Go home, get some sleep, wake up, and get ready to play the game you’ve been playing since you were a kid. Don’t put on the radio or read the paper, or watch ESPN. Just live your fucking life and do what you gotta do. Or so help me, I will kick your ass myself!

Oh Not Again…

Can’t sleep again. Find myself staring at nothing each night as the minutes go by.

It’s 3:16am right this moment and I could have sworn it was 2:00am just 30 seconds ago. At least that is how it feels.

For me, insomnia isn’t just not being able to sleep. It’s also having the middle of the night creep up on you really fucking quic and before I know it, it’s that crazy in between time where if I wake myself up early the next morning, I’ll be on almost no sleep, but if I sleep in, I’ll not help myself the following night. So I try to fall in between. Give myself 7-8 hours and go from there.

Doesn’t work. Never works.

Right now I’m just dealing with the “can’t sleep” part. I haven’t gotten the “I hate my bed” part. Where just thinking about lying on my bed makes me not want to sleep. Looking at it is even worse so then I sleep on the couch for at least a week. Right now I think I can handle my bed, but I’m still too awake to go lie down. I’m gonna try to couch with the TV on until I feel sleepy enough to go to bed.

Fuck. I used to love being up all night. Not so much anymore. I want a day life.

Storm, you need to move out here so we can be up all night together. I don’t care how gay that sounds.